Last night there was a show at Mac’s Bar for the Impact’s 25th birthday. I won tickets from playing the top 5 at 5 contest. I brought Olivia as my +1 and we were late, but it didn’t matter. Mars was working the door and we talked a little bit and I got a beer. Almost every boy I’ve hooked up with, or gone on a date with in the last year was there. I’m friendly with all of them, so it wasn’t weird. Micah and I chatted a bit. Adam was there with his new girlfriend who is cute, but looked upset at our talking. I didn’t end us, I just stopped texting him and he stopped texting me, but I feel like it was my lead. He still obviously is nice to me and it feels a role reversal of boys in my past. Carly was there and she and Josh hung out and were cold to me. Their unfriendliness is probably their attempt to be cool, but it’s really irritating. They were annoying on twitter and now I’m just not going to invite them to things. Like their presence is not necessary. UGh

I’ve changed so much in the last year and it’s exciting but I’m very scared of the uncertainty. I am pleased with who I am becoming but I am scared of how my interpersonal interactions will change because of it. 

I think there is something wrong with me in the way I don’t have feelings for anyone anymore. Being depressed for so long made me numb to my own feelings, and those have be awakened in the last couple of months. There are lots of men available for me to try and get close with emotionally but it feels literally impossible for me to do that. I see it as 3 possible reasons, with it probably coming down to a combination of all of the above: 1 - there are no options good enough, I am picky and require compatibility in interests or equal level of passion for things along with being physically attractive. The realm of men I find physically attractive is kind of small, tall, thin, hip etc, and none of those types I’ve engaged with in the last year have interest in being emotionally connected to me. 2 -  I am doing it as a defense mechanism, afraid of being hurt I just don’t let myself be in a situation where I could get close with someone. 3 - this is the scariest, but I don’t know how to anymore. I haven’t made an intimate emotional relationship with anyone in years and I don’t have the capability for it anymore

it’s scary to consider these things

I wrote that last post after several glasses of wine and I think that is pretty obvious. I should stop drinking. I think that a life without substance use is a good thing, it’s just so hard to have it be normalized. I should try. Today I went to Angela’s conference. It was a very emotional and interesting thing to be part of and I feel grateful to have been invited, but still kind of weirded out by how different it is from what I’ve know, which is an unkind reaction. I worked at Ruby’s today and made good money. My cramps are bad. this writing is dumb

I am incredibly self actualized as of late - most of my interactions with other people are only because I want to spend my precious time on them. I’m not being polite to men anymore because the validation I can acquire from them is pretty useless. 

I feel like boys in local bands are quick to initiate hang outs and hook ups but never keen to follow through, which is why so many them will talk to you online but never want to date you or give you an orgasm. This may not be intentional, but subconsciously it part of their grand plan for you to get emotionally or mentally invested in them so you will buy an $8 ticket to their shitty show but they don’t have to agree to hanging out after you’ve gone down on them. They don’t need a relationship, they need more material to write angsty tunes to, but I have now chosen to not be that material. Other girls can sacrifice themselves to this neverending need for alt girls with lots of feelings and thoughts that are muse worthy but not actual engagement worthy. It may sound like I’m mad or holding a grudge, but I’m not any more. I’ve figured out how the system works and I want no part of it. 

men are almost completely useless emotionally and mostly useless physically. most of the good interactions in my life are with women and I just feel like most dudes in my life are immature and unwilling to be open and connect to other humans